I fucked up.
I let a stupid boy get to me time after time.
He defiled my body. But don't get me wrong. It was completely willingly.
He was everything I ever wanted and everything I thought I needed.
April 29, 2015 was the first time I gave myself to him. He told me he liked me.
He told me I was "so beautiful" while I was laying next to him. I never regretting this.
That is, up until a few days ago.
We never were actually together, me and this boy.
He called things off with me almost right after we had sex, giving me the shittiest excuses possible.
I moved on.
He came back into my life wanting to be "friends with benefits", I was very emotionless at this point in my life so I agreed.
This went on for a good few months.
One party his friend was trying to hook up with me but I didn't, after that he didn't have anything to do with me.
Then came New Years' Eve, they had a party and things were okay.
This girl M was there tho.
Him and her used to like each other but my friend C was/is in love with her and C and Z are friends so he ended things with her a while back.
Anyways, midnight came around and Z ended up being my new years kiss, secretly so that M didn't see.
All the feelings came back.
We began hooking up again but he knew I liked him, he claimed to like me back but there wasn't any sort of relationship confining anything.
One day his ex girlfriend and him ended up having sex while I was at his house.
I was completely crushed.
I told him I wasn't doing anything anymore with him because that really hurt me.
He kept inviting me over to his house that weekend.
He told me he ended things with her completely and that he'd like if i gave him another chance.
Of course I fell for it, I was head over heels for this guy and it was right before Valentines Day.
We were officially "talking" which was as close to a relationship as we got.
He bought me roses and I got him a wallet.
He was always working though.
So, last week we finally had the same day off of work and of course I wanted to spend it with him.
He didn't reply to me all day. I called him at 6, he said he was about an hour away picking up his friend. I asked him if he was coming back anytime soon and he said yes, he would let me know. Then it comes to be almost 11pm, keep in mind I had to wake up at 7:30 for school the next day.
I called and called and no answer. He texted me saying he was going to sleep.
I was pissed. I waited for him all day.
I basically yelled at him for not saving me any time and he just told me good night.
I went over to his house and turns out, he wasn't going to sleep, their band was practicing.
I waiting in the car for 20 minutes for them to be done and i went inside.
He played stupid and we went outside to talk in my car.
He said he wanted a break, time to think about things.
I was hurt but I agreed, I would've done anything he wanted.
Saturday, I took some xanax and invited him over to my house to talk to me after work.
He took some xanax too but not as much. I don't remember what I told him but he said when he is ready to be in a relationship he wants to do it the right way, and treat me how I deserve to be treated.
All I wanted was him.
We ended up going back to his house and of course, we had sex. I knew I ruined everything right then and there.
When I left in the morning, he kissed me goodbye and I got kind of mad and yelled "Why did you do that?" and he just walked away.
He told me when we first had sex that he was 100% using me, he didn't like me. That killed me.
I had never felt so dirty.
I had messaged him the past couple of days and I don't think we will ever be together.
But that's entirely up to him. He is my kryptonite.
I haven't eaten all day. I hope this feeling goes away sometime soon. All I want is him.
I was right about not wanting to fall in love, it brings way too much pain.
July 25, 2016~
He is now dating this girl I used to be friends with. Of course. I'm basically over it now. He's a douche for what he did but I still have to be casual friends with him. Ew.